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Nykira
04-14-2010, 11:56 AM
This is one of meh other stories sorry it's bit long, I copy and pasted from booksie (which is a online site where ppl publish stories) it's two chapters long this is the first chapter, I gave up after 2 cause no one like it so yea this is chain promise...

Chapter 1

I heard her screams before I even saw her. Her fear pulsed into me, waking me up to the reality of it all, taking me back to where I wanted to be with my friends, at the party but no she was there needing me, screaming for help, trembling in fear, I didn?t know what to do. I need to do something, anything. But my own fear wrap around me tying me to the ground, leaving me standing there helpless, unable to help her, unable to move. Her screams ripped through my mind, making my own fear seem meaningless. Some rational part of me that I thought I lost. Woke up.
I ran, as fast as my body would let me, halting only to place my self between them both.
Behind me Melissa sat curled up against the wall, holding her leg, sobbing and trembling in fear. All I knew was I had to protect her no matter what; she was the only thing I had left.
?Get out of the way you mangy brat,? he slurred forcing me to flick my attention away from Mel and back to him.
? NO!!? I yelled taking a step back. ?You?re not touching her.?
?Fine you mangy brat I?ll just deal with you first,? then he charged at me.
My fear froze me still, but I needed to move this time I had to or ? or Mel will? no.
I ducked, his punch just went right over me, I couldn?t believe it missed me but by the look of it he was drunk or high on something. Standing my self back up quickly while he still had his arm extended out from the punch, I grab hold of his arm holding him there.
?Get off you mangy brat? He tried to get his arm free ?let fuckin? go?
He was distracted by me holding on to his arm I had a chance to do something so I took it, I kicked him, but not just anywhere I kicked him where it hurts, and I could tell by his face that it did. As soon as I put my foot back down, I released his arm and he dropped to his knees. Lifting my leg again and kicking him in the face, his whole body just went down too one side but he was still trying to get up, so I just kept kicking him in the face and he soon was down on the concrete not moving.
?El?Elinor?? Mel moaned
? Shit ?Mel,? I rushed over to her. ? Come on Mel we haft to go now? it?s all over?
I took her arm softly and put it over my shoulder, sliding my other arm around her waist, letting all her weight on to me I helped her to her feet.
?Elinor? what? happened??
?Its okay,? I told her gently ?nothing happened, can you walk?
?Yeah I think so? with that I held her around the waist tightly and help her down the ally way, but ever so often looking back to see if he was moving.
?Elinor??
?Yeah Mel?
? Where?s the guy??
? Don?t worry about him just keep walking where nearly there?
We could see the road just up a head, Mel was stumbling along side me, and I guess she couldn?t keep up with me, well with a hurt leg I don?t blame her. I just couldn?t stay in the alley much longer not with want happened here just now, not with him still lying there possibly able to wake up any?
I screamed stopping my train of thought as someone behind me yanked my hair, pulling me to the ground.
?You stupid brat think you can hurt me all you did was sober me up a little? he laughed and kicked my side.
?Elinor? Mel screamed
?Run Mel run? I tried to yell to tell her but it sound more like a whisper. ? Don?t speak, don?t speak at all? he kicked me again and I could hear a cracking sound followed by a rush of pain, I screamed opening my eyes wide to just see Mel getting away. At least she?s safe.
Kicking me again, he then picked me up and slammed my body against the wall holding me up by the throat. ?Look what you did you mangy brat look? he turned my head so I could see the alley exit, with no Mel in sight. ? You let the slut go?
?She?s not a slut,? I spat the words at his face. ?She?s Mel?
With that he punched me in the gut, ?I don?t care who she is, she was mine tonight? he laughed at him self. ?And you ruined that so your going to take her place? he laughed again and throw me across the alley. Something warm trickled down my face and on to the ground. My head spun as a hand lifted me up again and placed me against the wall.
?You listen here, before I stuck the life out of you, you should have just left her be, you would still be alive, but you didn?t now you?ll pay the price? he laughed. I screamed as a sharp pain came from my neck, my body wasn?t responding, it gave into the pain, I was feeling weaker and weaker, just like he had said I felt the life drain right out of me, I could even keep my eyes open, but I had to, I had to live, so I could help Mel she need me, to stay with her, I promised I would always be there.
My body went limp as it dropped to the concrete, sirens were ringing in my ears, I opened my eyes to see flashing lights. The attacker was gone; he left me here to die. I finally gave in to my body?s begging, I couldn?t hold on much longer.
?I?m sorry Mel? I whispered and gave in to everything.

Kazekage Kamelot
04-15-2010, 01:35 AM
mm mm interesting story :P

Nykira
04-15-2010, 05:45 AM
Nar its werid

Kazekage Kamelot
04-15-2010, 11:11 PM
na i wouldnt say weird, it was interesting though :P

Nykira
04-16-2010, 06:48 AM
Yea I guess

Kazekage Kamelot
04-16-2010, 11:12 AM
lol dont doubt your writing when you do that people can see it even in your writing that you dont beleive in yourslef or the stories :P

its when you are able to loose yourself within a story no matter how weird, thats when you can write a masterpeice ;).

Nykira
04-16-2010, 02:20 PM
I do believe in my stories alway have, it's sort of a way I get away from all the shit and confustion of the real world.

I do that all the time like I said it's my way of excapeing

Sekirei_Lord
04-16-2010, 09:27 PM
Ah, yes.
There's nothing like a good old FanFic to start your day off.
Thank you for writing this up, miss Nykira.

I feel more confident in the essay I have to write up for my english class. ^^
Keep it up.

*Reps*

Nykira
04-16-2010, 11:52 PM
Thank you seki^^

Also can you make a fan fiction section and move my stories please

Sekirei_Lord
04-17-2010, 12:21 AM
Ah, yes.
Of course.

I'll do it now. ^^

Nykira
04-17-2010, 01:20 AM
Thank you^^

Sekirei_Lord
04-17-2010, 01:31 AM
You're very welcome. ^^

Kori
04-23-2010, 06:26 AM
Do you actually want critiques and comments, or just a dilettante's post?

Nykira
04-23-2010, 07:54 AM
Yea would be good if ppl commented on it and cridiques

Kori
04-23-2010, 10:01 PM
'Kay. Keep in mind that anything I mention is just a suggestion you may disregard if you do not agree.

"I heard her screams before I even saw her."
Even weakens your phrasing; it's an extra word that isn't needed and serves to play down the mood.

Her fear pulsed into me, waking me up to the reality of it all, taking me back to where I wanted to be with my friends, at the party but no she was there needing me, screaming for help, trembling in fear, I didn?t know what to do.
This sentence lacks any strength and leaves myself pondering how angst-ridden the thoughts and feelings are. It's like having a child, age six or seven, bragging about getting his first kill (which was actually just a spammed grenade) in Call of Duty; you're using big and feeling-based words, but they come across as weak due to their over-use. It's especially hard to concentrate on the story with the "shift" that occurs mid-sentence.... It's just very awkward.

Also, it's important for you, as a writer, to know that writing (especially poetry) is all about word conservation or, rather, not over-doing your thoughts. If I, as a reader, have to have my hand held, I simply won't bother reading the story; in the late 20th century, the literary arts went through a second transcendentalist movement where stories focused more on simple feelings and broad imaginings?simple sentences are simple, but don't disagree with someone trying to find depth.

You recycle your adjective very often. Expand your vocabulary. Read the daily newspaper, purchase a nice dictionary and thesaurus. Your short story won't be exciting if every character walks everywhere and says every line of dialogue. A comprehensive vocabulary can help bring your stories and poems to life, enabling you to better describe the world around you (be sure that you are using words correctly. Some of the alternatives listed in your thesaurus may not have the right shade of meaning or be appropriate for the level of formality. Look up the word in your dictionary to be sure, and, if in absolute doubt, use a word that you already know).

Throughout your piece, you use the same type of long, clause-filled sentences. While it is initially fine, it begins to wear on me, becoming uninteresting. Choose your sentences; a long sentence is not wrong nor a short sentence is right. Stories, despite what I've been told, are not about balance. It is, rather, about arrangement. It's common for writers to use short sentences followed by large, illustrative sentences because, well, uh, they cause the greatest result in the reader: a short little stab of honesty followed by the world is often absorbed easier than many subtle worldy references in large, arduous paragraphs.

Vary your dialogue. It's always "'Blah blah blah"' I did this". Actions don't always need to be described, don't feel the need to guide your reader to enjoy your story?they need to enjoy it themselves.

The story feels sort of choppy to me. I think this is mostly due to the sort of "skipping" and adjective-heavy tone of the overall pace. I think the best option would be a complete re-write with focus on more interesting and more delineative sentences. It could be great.

Nykira
04-24-2010, 01:22 AM
Ok well for one thing I wrote this a year ago, so after that long I don't plan on changing it or even rewriting it.

Well I've read many books and reaserch stuff on vampires and things, this sentence downs the mood because it's ment to, well that's what I remember from when I wrote it.

Ok half thos words u used I don't understand, and I can't be stuffed getting a dictionary to look em up, yes I use emotional words well it's an emotional time, the change in thought which you called the shift is when the her mind goes back to where it wants to be not where it is.

What's poetry got to do with anything, Thanks for the history leason an the big word that I didn't understand, when I write I write my imagination on the page then I rewrite it so it makes sence then rewrite it again to fix it up before posting, that's how I write so meh.

Well as you porbly noticed I don't know all that many words, and yes I will expand my vocabulary as I get older but let me tell u something I'm not in collage I'm not in uni I am not even in VCE yet I'm only in year 10 and when I wrote this I was in yr 9. And why with the poetry I haven't even posted my poetry on here. I don't read the news paper thee boring. I do have a dictionary and the other one.

Ok sentenses well..... You lost me I'm sorry right long senteces well that's the way I write ok, I'm different and like to be, read my other two stories then tell me if they are different ok, the one with no name called street rats in the first stage of writing so it sucks but yea.

Ok yes ppl need to enjoy themselves when reading but I write my imagantion on a page can't help that they talk like that, cause that's wat I thought of then an I ain't changing it

thanks for the advice, the cridiques, the history leason and all the big words that I have never heard in my life. It's great that your instersted in helping me by sharing what u know, but I'm not gonna rewrite it. Also you should make your comments easier to read I'm not in collage or so on as I've said so I don't understand some of wat u have said. Most of the ppl on here are older then me, and probly understand what you have said more then I do. So yea

Kori
04-24-2010, 02:09 AM
"Yea would be good if ppl commented on it and cridiques."

If you feel the need to defend your work, such is your prerogative.

Nykira
04-24-2010, 02:12 AM
I'm not defending it, just explaing I don't understand what ur saying cause it's to comlicated for me

Kori
04-24-2010, 02:13 AM
"that's how I write so meh."

Nykira
04-24-2010, 02:16 AM
Hey ur using what I said that's not fair

MatiUciha
05-11-2010, 11:25 AM
Anyways, It a cool story, Don't know why I didn't read it earlier

Nykira
05-11-2010, 11:37 AM
Wat u mean by earlier????
this isn't the one I was typing in the liberary, this different one

Kazekage Kamelot
05-12-2010, 02:32 AM
still a good read :) nicely done.

MatiUciha
05-12-2010, 11:49 AM
Wat u mean by earlier????
this isn't the one I was typing in the liberary, this different one


i just mean that i should have opened this thread earlier and read the story.

Nykira
05-28-2010, 08:02 AM
Oh ok lols^^

Roxas
06-01-2010, 04:59 PM
I Like it do you have more