[Kori]

'Kay. Keep in mind that anything I mention is just a suggestion you may disregard if you do not agree.

"I heard her screams before I even saw her."

Even weakens your phrasing; it's an extra word that isn't needed and serves to play down the mood.

Her fear pulsed into me, waking me up to the reality of it all, taking me back to where I wanted to be with my friends, at the party but no she was there needing me, screaming for help, trembling in fear, I didn?t know what to do.

This sentence lacks any strength and leaves myself pondering how angst-ridden the thoughts and feelings are. It's like having a child, age six or seven, bragging about getting his first kill (which was actually just a spammed grenade) in Call of Duty; you're using big and feeling-based words, but they come across as weak due to their over-use. It's especially hard to concentrate on the story with the "shift" that occurs mid-sentence.... It's just very awkward.

Also, it's important for you, as a writer, to know that writing (especially poetry) is all about word conservation or, rather, not over-doing your thoughts. If I, as a reader, have to have my hand held, I simply won't bother reading the story; in the late 20th century, the literary arts went through a second transcendentalist movement where stories focused more on simple feelings and broad imaginings?simple sentences are simple, but don't disagree with someone trying to find depth.

You recycle your adjective very often. Expand your vocabulary. Read the daily newspaper, purchase a nice dictionary and thesaurus. Your short story won't be exciting if every character walks everywhere and says every line of dialogue. A comprehensive vocabulary can help bring your stories and poems to life, enabling you to better describe the world around you (be sure that you are using words correctly. Some of the alternatives listed in your thesaurus may not have the right shade of meaning or be appropriate for the level of formality. Look up the word in your dictionary to be sure, and, if in absolute doubt, use a word that you already know).

Throughout your piece, you use the same type of long, clause-filled sentences. While it is initially fine, it begins to wear on me, becoming uninteresting. Choose your sentences; a long sentence is not wrong nor a short sentence is right. Stories, despite what I've been told, are not about balance. It is, rather, about arrangement. It's common for writers to use short sentences followed by large, illustrative sentences because, well, uh, they cause the greatest result in the reader: a short little stab of honesty followed by the world is often absorbed easier than many subtle worldy references in large, arduous paragraphs.

Vary your dialogue. It's always "'Blah blah blah"' I did this". Actions don't always need to be described, don't feel the need to guide your reader to enjoy your story?they need to enjoy it themselves.

The story feels sort of choppy to me. I think this is mostly due to the sort of "skipping" and adjective-heavy tone of the overall pace. I think the best option would be a complete re-write with focus on more interesting and more delineative sentences. It could be great.